| Rangie's viewing |
[Sep. 19th, 2007|02:22 am] |
I keep trying to update but I can't seem to bring myself to.
The viewing was most difficult. I have never in my life had a physical reaction to emotional pain...
The closest I've ever come was when I've had anxiety attacks, and have felt like my heart was going to jump out of my chest.
This was different.
And, far more observable.
My pain (I can't think of a better word for it, PAIN is the only one that fits-it's so simple-it's the only one that's right) was visible for all to witness.
It, for a long moment commanded my body, my feet, my hands...I couldn't breathe.
His sister, who is twice my size, manhandled me into the corner I had backed into..to avoid facing him. I began to hyperventalate..she pried my fingers from my face, and held them close to her breast with one hand. She used the other to caress my hair, and face.
She told me, "don't do this yaima..you have to see him..c'mon we'll go together".
I resisted for a second, but she held my arm firmly, and I held on to her as she slowly pulled me forward.
I was standing at the entry again. I could see his profile in the end, rightside of the room. There were people sitting on couches that lined the walls. He was surrounded with flowers and those funeral reefs or whatever they're called.. It was so strange... I should've been dreaming that scene...it didn't look real.
We had only walked a few steps into the room, when Maria (his mom) turned, and we saw each other.
I had just seen her the night before, and the night before that.
We had already had our crying moments, but it didn't matter.
She opened her arms to me, and I ran between them.
I, again tried to convey to her what he meant to me, but it was unnecessary..she already knew this. She knew it in a way in which I could never verbally explain.
She imagined what I had lost, the way I imagined what she had lost... neither of us will truly understand one another's pain, but we know that it is great in it's magnitude.
Rebecca (his sister) handed me to her, and she pulled me a few steps closer to him.
I felt so shitty to be shaking the way that I was...she, and Rebecca were being so strong. Rebecca lost her little brother, and now she had to deal with me!
I'm not angry with myself, because I know they did it because they love me, and they know how much I love him. They also know me..VERY WELL..heh
They helped raise me...I'm in the family videos..for fucks sake!
As we got closer to Rangie, I noticed that Cindy was on my other side, and she had taken hold of my arm. Maria, squeezed my shoulder and Cindy and I walked forward. We were both crying, holding on to each othe, but the closer we got to Rangie, the harder it became to breathe... my shoulders shaked, I struggled to force air into my lungs... A tall, heavy set man that was standing to my left turned to look at me. It was one of Rangies 15 or 2o uncles. I know him. I know them all.
He looks a lot like Rangie, only straight, older, and much heavier.
He grabbed me by the shoulders and held me in place while he ordered me to breathe, "One..two..through your nose Yaima. Breathe".
I looked at him, wide eyed...like a lost woman in a third mad dimension...completely confused, doing everything he told me to..
We finally stood about five feet from my dear Rangie.
He looked georgeous, but wrong.
He looked like he was sleeping, but faking it.
He wore a full suit, and this striked me as odd. The last time I saw Rangie in that get up, we were headed to prom. He was my date, Rebecca plucked my eyebrows for the first time EVER, and his mother was taking pictures of us before we left.. being carefule to avoid getting his airwalk sneakers in the shot.
I reached his coffin, and I grabbed the ruffles on the side. I wanted to touch him. I wanted to kiss him.
I thought he wouldn't feel like Rangie, he wouldn't even feel human, and that would prove that this was all a mistake..a nightmare.
But I was afraid to touch him, and slightly repulsed by the thought of it as well.
Still, my hand drew closer to him. Tony pulled my shoulder away from him, and told me not to.
I stood there, staring at one of the best parts of me, in tears...useless, helpless tears streaming down my face.
God..I can't stop this?!
Worst realization I've ever had.
Maria, appeared at my side. She linked her arm with mine, and through her tears, she smiled. She touched his chest. She ran her hands down his tie, as if it needed straightening, she said, "look he's wearing his Jerry Garcia tie". She knew this would mean something to me, and it did.
I instantly thought of our sophmore year bio teacher. I forget her name; Rangie would know it...
She was the biggest "original" hippie we had ever known. He and I always liked her and her old stories, and we also felt so sorry for her; she was much too nice for the mean high school kids. She was also the first person that ever told us that Jerry even had a line of ties. We thought that was funny.
She encouraged me to touch him, and I did.
First his chest, then his hand, and finally his face.
I was right, you know; he didn't feel like Rangie, or even real for that matter, but this brought me no peace.
I always expected dead people to feel icy; it's how my books have always described them.
I learned something.
What authors mean by "cold", is simply room temperature..lacking our common warmth.
It felt like the wax dolls at Madame Tdsous (mispelled, im sure), wax museum in Vegas.
But, it was still my Rangie...my best friend...my light..my safety...my life.
My soulmate...he was gay, but so what?
We belonged and depended on each other in ways that our sexual preference held no value.
So many people showed to tell him they loved him.
I learned to appreciate people I previously would've counted as ivisible...
Now, I respect them because they cared for the person who meant the world to me.
Rebecca made two collages, one of his early childhood, and one of after we met...
It was a tribute to our friendship and our love for one another. People saw through our pictures, that date the last 13 years of our lives, how happy we were..
People I didn't know approached me because they saw me all over that collage, with him, to give me their condolences.
So...strange, that moment. |
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